(SATIRE – This weekend satire piece is for entertainment purposes only and references mature themes. If you are offended, go scream for your mommy…)
Natural News can now confirm that it wasn’t the Russians who stole the election for Donald Trump… it was aliens from planet Cockamamie in the Libtard Nebula, according to CNN sources that have chosen to remain anonymous because they also imagine they work for the CIA.
According to these sources, planet Cockamamie suffered a devastating population collapse due to economic restrictions thrust upon them by the galactic climate change cultists known as “AlGorians.” Following a mass starvation catastrophe caused by the Cockamamie Senate banning fossil fuels without having any energy replacement ready, Cockamamians found themselves needing to repopulate their planet with fresh organic specimens harvested from across the cosmos.
Hence their trip to Earth, a planet that was once believed to also suffer from mass starvation until televised signals of Michael Moore were captured and analyzed by Cockamamian scientists. Suddenly, Earth was heralded by distant civilizations as a “grand cosmic buffet” of processed food calories and incredibly disconnected leftist who seemed to already be living on another planet anyway.
California, in particular, was chosen as the first landing site because the state’s massive “Safe Space” sign can be observed from high orbit, and the aliens thought it was an invitation to freely engage in “open borders” cattle probing or anal mutilations… or perhaps the other way around.
Thus, shortly before Election Day, large metallic dildo-shaped craft shimmering with LGBTQ rainbow light displays were observed hovering over San Francisco… or at least that’s what the warehouse cult rave party survivors tweeted. According to reports, the dildo-shaped UFOs targeted high-density apartment complexes to ensure the harvesting of a high percentage of liberals who might feel more at home on planet Cockamamie, whose policies almost exactly parallel those of San Francisco, where homeless people are openly allowed to defecate on the sidewalks but never allowed to accept homemade food from gracious citizens due to the city-wide “food safety crackdown.”
Suddenly the dildo craft sprang into action. In a mesmerizing flash, millions of Californicators were beamed up to the dildo UFOs, where they were efficiently subjected to a battery of mental and physical tests. In one relentless test, gender-fluid grey humanoids (“CockaTransaMamians”) used oral, nasal and anal voltage stimulators to determine the biological resiliency of human subjects. To the shock of the greys, some San Franciscan captives actually enjoyed the experience and begged for more. Astonished, the CockaTransaMamians ejected them from captivity and teleported them into Starbucks coffee shops to serve as hyperstimulated faggoty baristas who immediately began berating customers with tales of “sexual escapades with 50 shades of Greys.”
Other humans were found to be too stupid to survive on planet Cockamamie, so they were dropped off at the county courthouse and encouraged to run for political office or even lead the DNC.
Deeper in the bowels of the alien mothership, left-wing commentator Keith Olbermann was observed being apparently molested by CockaTransaMamians who tried to apply a brain scan helmet to his butt cheeks while milking his nose for DNA samples. It turns out they couldn’t tell Keith’s head from his ass and had the guy completely upside down.
After realizing their error, they tried to make amends by installing a “Russian conspiracy” program into his feeble brain and using a Men-In-Black flashy thingy to wipe his memory… which also happened to make him an even better news teleprompter reader for Earth’s propaganda fake news networks. Now, as you can observe on his broadcasts, Keith Olbermann fully realizes he was violated but can’t remember why… but he’s certain the Russians did something nefarious to his rectum and he thinks it might have been a poo coup.
Meanwhile, all the captive space-faring Democrats tried to wage a “soft coup” takeover of the Cockamamian mothership, first by demanding a democratic vote on who should be running the ship, then rigging the vote by recirculating people who already voted to the back of the voting line to make sure they could vote a second time. But they got caught by the greys, whom the Democrats quickly condemned as “illegal aliens,” much to the amusement of those on board who were actual aliens. The Democrats got overruled, at which point they all started to scream for mommy and began leaping out of the docking bays, mistaking the “WARNING: SPACE” signs for “SAFE SPACE” indicators.
It turns out that in outer space, no one can hear you scream “WAAAAAHHH!”
As the Democrats remaining inside the dildo alien UFO screamed and sobbed and demanded hot cocoa to soothe their trauma, the greys began to second guess the wisdom in transplanting such pathetic creatures who were obviously incapable of survival in a dynamic universe. Even the Cockamamie education system on planet Cockamamie might be too advanced for these failed specimens, the greys quickly realized, so they decided to jettison the crybabies in Venezuela, where they are now eating out of garbage dumpsters and enjoying their “equality” under a failed left-wing state where everybody is equally miserable, thus solving the “inequality” problem once and for all.
Thanks to the missing Democrats, Donald Trump was elected President. As his first official intergalactic act, he opened a negotiation with the Cockamamians to ask them the most important question to help Make America Great Again: “How many more Democrats can you please remove from Earth on your next harvesting run?”
Their answer? “Hell no! We’ll go somewhere else.”
And that, my friends, is how Donald J. Trump saved Christmas from intergalactic aliens.